This is going to be a few different blog posts, mainly because there is a lot of emotion in every post and I think it’s best broken up. Remember I told you back in December we had a lot of big decisions coming up? First, I have to tell you our story for you to understand our big decision. And one thing I know is that others’ stories have really helped me during this tough time, so I am hoping mine will help someone too.
Many of you are close friends and family that follow this blog. But, most of you are people I may have spoken to once. People I have never met. Or that unsuspecting person who asked me about having children right after my second miscarriage and I burst into tears at the breakfast table.
The truth is I am a pretty open person, but even some of my closest friends and family don’t know all the details about my marriage and our struggle with infertility.
When Jason and I got married we knew right away we wanted children. Within a few months I will never forget coming into the farm and saying “Come here for a minute” and showing him the famous stick and him asking me what two lines meant. From the moment we became pregnant we were already thinking about what kind of parents we wanted to be and what kind of home we wanted our child to be raised in. We talked about baby names, doctors, what color we wanted to paint the nursery. Pretty much the same conversation every overjoyed couple has when they find out they are pregnant for the first time.
We were just married, and really just learning what that meant. We were learning to navigate the waters of marriage. Then we were happily learning what it meant to fall hopelessly in love with being parents. Then before we knew it we were learning how to grieve the loss of someone we had never met, but were already so in love with. I won’t lie. It was hard. Really hard. And it’s really hard to communicate those feelings. And when you can’t get pregnant again and again those feelings get even more confusing.
In that first year of marriage we learned a lot about one another. We learned how we react in tough situations, not only to the situation itself, but to each other. We learned how much we both wanted to be parents. We learned how we both show emotion. We learned how we argue. We also learned when to walk away so we could gather ourselves to become more rational before saying something we would regret. And we did. I learned that sometimes you have to stop focusing on what you don’t have and start focusing on what you do.
Marriage is one of the hardest jobs I have ever had. It takes work every single day. And during the two years we struggled trying to get pregnant I learned more about myself than I ever have before.
When we got pregnant again about two years later we were overjoyed. Scared, but overjoyed. Very scared. But, when things started progressing wonderfully we felt amazing. I remember working cattle and having to ask my sister in law for something to eat because I felt so sick. I can not even begin to tell you how that moment will forever be in my mind. It was the first time I ever truly “felt” pregnant. And everything felt perfect. I will also never forget the day I got the call that said my levels weren’t progressing as they should. Jason had just left for a conference and before I knew it I was diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy. My mother in law slept over at our house until the next day when I would have to decide what to do and my sister in law took me and waited with me while I decided. That day was so strange. I mean I was barely in my twenties and getting pregnant should be easy…Right?